I is for Insomnia
I go to sleep every night. Theoretically. That would be the idea, but it’s an idea that has me staring at walls wondering what sort of tonight tonight is going to be. Tonight, will I indulge on tablets that leave me woozy and unwilling to wake up? That’s the irony -- after years of wanting to dream forever and reject the day, now I cling oh so desperately (so delicately) to moments of wakefulness, of awakening, and dread the slumber that takes me deep and dark and under.
It usually goes like this: I swivel in my chair, I stare at my reflection, I stare at the computer, I stare at a book, I glance at my bed, I brush my teeth, I drink some water, I glance at my bed, I sit very still and do nothing, I wait, I grow anxious, I brush my teeth again, I pick at my gums until they bleed, I stare at a different book, I draw, I stare at my bed, I wait, I cry, I drink water.
In bed: I lie still, I adjust, I breathe, I listen, I think, I worry, I breathe, I clench, I snap, I release, I wait, I can’t breathe, I sink, I cry, I shift, I drift, I masturbate, I meditate, I hear, I cringe, I fall. (On bad nights, I would add: I hit the pillow, I hit my legs, I hit my stomach, I hit my head, I hit rock bottom.) And then I go to sleep.
It’s all very typical stuff. I go to sleep. Or I go towards sleep. I go, god, I’m going -- catch, fall, race after, struggle towards -- I’m trying. I try, I -- mean -- please -- just once if it were -- two hours gone and I’m -- going -- go -- just -- JUST! Can’t I, I can’t -- not this, not now -- now -- 5am -- try to breathe and -- scream -- going towards -- falling forwards -- back -- my back -- FUCK! -- fucking hurts -- dawn-light on the wall -- why -- I -- 8am this is -- why am I --
And suddenly I’m not. That’s all it takes. Just like that. I forget. I quiet. I calm. I’m nothing. I --
It usually goes like this: I swivel in my chair, I stare at my reflection, I stare at the computer, I stare at a book, I glance at my bed, I brush my teeth, I drink some water, I glance at my bed, I sit very still and do nothing, I wait, I grow anxious, I brush my teeth again, I pick at my gums until they bleed, I stare at a different book, I draw, I stare at my bed, I wait, I cry, I drink water.
In bed: I lie still, I adjust, I breathe, I listen, I think, I worry, I breathe, I clench, I snap, I release, I wait, I can’t breathe, I sink, I cry, I shift, I drift, I masturbate, I meditate, I hear, I cringe, I fall. (On bad nights, I would add: I hit the pillow, I hit my legs, I hit my stomach, I hit my head, I hit rock bottom.) And then I go to sleep.
It’s all very typical stuff. I go to sleep. Or I go towards sleep. I go, god, I’m going -- catch, fall, race after, struggle towards -- I’m trying. I try, I -- mean -- please -- just once if it were -- two hours gone and I’m -- going -- go -- just -- JUST! Can’t I, I can’t -- not this, not now -- now -- 5am -- try to breathe and -- scream -- going towards -- falling forwards -- back -- my back -- FUCK! -- fucking hurts -- dawn-light on the wall -- why -- I -- 8am this is -- why am I --
And suddenly I’m not. That’s all it takes. Just like that. I forget. I quiet. I calm. I’m nothing. I --
